Vatican Humour

Bentuckee's note: I'm in no interest to offend the Pope or any people in this post. But this is just a good joke that I wanna share it right here. Enjoy! =)

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope,  'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

The Atlantis: Greatest 'Fire'works in the History

Bentuckee's note:
Yeah, I know this had happened some time ago..  but I didn't know that the Atlantis was on FIRE before its opening until I got these pictures. And I believe everyone remembers how amazing the opening ceremony was.. yeah, the FIREworks. Oh, and I heard that a lot of staffs in the hotel got FIRED soon after its opening due to financial incapability.Seems like the Atlantis had much fate FIRE.

Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names

In my last post I was thanking my dad for giving me an English name. Look at this post instead! I hope my name won't create some kind of confusion...


Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names:

Anne Chang = Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin = Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen = Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng = Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng = Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow = You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan = Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow = Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah = Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai = Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan = Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan = Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong = Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng = Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah = Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See = Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng = Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai = Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh = Never die before (Cantonese)

Confusing Chinese Name

Bentuckee's note: Read this joke long ago. It's really amusing especially now that I'm in Australia... Thanks to my dad for giving me an English name! =)

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

This is Malaysia - What A True Malaysian Should Know

Love this forwarded mail a lot! Got it from my friend, KMS. If you nod more than 80% of these statements, then you are qualified to be a true Malaysian. So, you better nod and agree! =)

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS :
Ajinomoto

NATIONAL INSTANT FOOD :
Maggi Mee

NATIONAL BREAKFAST :
Nasi Lemak

NATIONAL LUNCH
Nasi Ayam

NATIONAL SUPPER
Roti Canai & Teh Tarik

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE
Traffic Jam

NATIONAL CONDOM
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms.
So they rushed into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION :
Pineapple

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK :
Stout. Many Malaysian men swear by it. But then after a few pints they start swearing at everything.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN) :
Food Poisoning

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN) :
Menstrual Pain

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep,mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't remove make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch 'Santa Barbara', depress, no mood, etc...

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX :
None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHOEA
Cap Kaki Tiga. Down one bottle with warm water and you are all 'dried up'.

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES :
Panadol. The 'cure for all'. If it fails we have another secret weapon - Tiger Balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR NAUSEA
Moh Fah Kor.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES)
Happy Hours.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES) :
The sight of a police road block.

NATIONAL RICE COOKER
NATIONAL Rice Cooker (this is my favourite haha)

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP :
Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME
Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!

NATIONAL ANSWER FOR 'WHERE ARE YOU' ?
- on the way.

NATIONAL OFFICIAL TIME FOR BEING LATE :
- 10 minutes

NATIONAL REASON FOR PRICE INCREASE
Petrol naik lagi kawan... semua barang pun kena naik ler... inclusive chicken meat?

NATIONAL REASON FOR PETROL INCREASE :
Still cheaper than other country la....

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR CAUSING TRAFFIC JAM
there was accident on the other side of the road.. of course must slow down and tengok-tengok, kaypoh-kaypoh lah! (very ture!!!)

NATIONAL REASON WHEN REJECTING INVITATION
'I got some work to do la..u all go first la..'

NATIONAL REASON FOR COLLAPSED BUILDINGS & LEAKY PARLIAMENT ROOFS :
An act of God. Definitely nothing to with greased palms and poor quality control. Nope, none whatsoever.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR IRRESPONSIBLE POLITICAL STATEMENTS :
None. We were misquoted. (This is very true! Saw a good example on newspaper just now.)

NATIONAL MINISTERIAL REASON FOR INCREASING TOLL RATES :
Orang cakap mau naik mesti mau naik lah! Lu ingat ini jalan saya punya bapak punya kah?!

NATIONAL REASON FOR SPURNING BAILOUT PACKAGES FROM FOREIGN CAR COMPANIES :
We're about to unveil another badly designed low budget car, which, coupled with our notorious customer service and corporate mismanagement, will see us bankrupt again
within the next 5 years. And so we have absolutely no need for the Germans and their silly car-making and market-positioning knowhow, thank you very much.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR JUMPING QUEUE (TRAFFIC JAM OR WHAT EVER QUEUE) :
Everybody doing what lah.......

NATIONAL EXCUSE NOT PAYING SAMAN ACCORDING TO DUE DATE :
Relax ler... government will give discount one of these days

NATIONAL EXCUSE TO BRIBE (ANY CONDITION) :
Give them minum kopi lar...

Ayah......!

A man came home from work and his children ran to him and called out ‘Ayah! Ayah!’.

His neighbor got very upset and said to him, “Can you please tell your children not to call you ‘Ayah’?”

The man asked, “Why?”

The neighbor retorted, “Because my children call me 'Ayah'  too. They might get confused and mistake you to be their father.”

Then the man told his neighbour, "Are you not ashamed to say that your children do not know who their ‘Ayah’ is. So you are saying by using the word 'Ayah', your children will call me ayah too without knowing who is their father?"

The neighbour said, "Yes, only my children can use the word 'Ayah'."

The man said, "Then there is something wrong in what you are teaching your children. They are not sure and do not know who is their 'Ayah'."

A Barber in New York

Got this from my good bro JT. Love this kind of Malaysian joke. Enjoy!

There was once a very good barber in NEW YORK , who gave Free Haircuts to everybody who came into his shop to have their haircuts.

One day a florist went to him for a haircut.

After the cut, he wanted to pay the barber, but the barber replied.

'It's alright, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'

The Florist was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door .

A policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut.

But the barber replied: 'I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Malaysian software engineer went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut.

But the barber replied: 'I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'

The Malaysian software engineer* was very* happy and left.

The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, guess what he found there..............




Can you guess?



Come on, think like a Malaysian.....
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*a dozen Malaysians waiting for free haircuts!*

Paying Attention

 

1st year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

" Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best not to puke.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Countdown

Got this 4 years ago. I believe some of you have saw this before. As today's the last day of 2009, I shall share this (again for some of you) as you countdown to the year 2010. Happy New Year 2010!!

Phua Chu Kang was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9
and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with......

"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven.

Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1".

The Secret of Bees

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. 

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee. 

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,
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Wait for it.wait for it..
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You're just gonna love this..

Bee Pee

I see you smiling